January is stretching towards its end. I have been back at work for just over two weeks now and I feel like I have been battling myself every day.
I started new meds in December and have been slowly increasing them over the last month or so. Maybe it’s the new meds or the increased sunlight or panic over recently turning 28, but I am in a bit of a creative spike and am feeling desperate to work on the all projects I’ve been telling you all I’ve been working on for years.
The problem isn’t the ideas or inspiration. They are arriving at an almost alarming rate. Sometimes so thick and fast, I am paralyzed by it. Even when I am not tending to my creativity, not coxing it out of its own shadow, it is growing. Lines fighting through the hazy fog of medication to come to me as I lay in bed. Images rushing forward mid conversation. There is so much I want to do.
The problem is my own warped brain. When ideas are swarming, the low hum of them like insects, how do I take action? How do I progress? How do I even start?
I have spent years wanting to create a good daily routine. Something easy to follow. That I could practice enough times to perfect, to do naturally, without even realising it. But it has never stuck. Or it has never even worked in the first place.
Like everyone else in the world, I want things to be simple. Despite everything I know (about BPD, ADHD, myself and my black and white thinking), I have still found myself googling new routine ideas. I cannot quiet that hunger for routine and ease and predictability. For something to make all of this easier. To help me get out of my own way.
I find myself jumping from task to task, leaving a trial of almosts behind me. Getting distracted easily. Lacking the ability to pick up where I left off and start again. But I also find myself working intently for a whole weekend. Getting so much done and feeling so accomplished and proud only to realise I forgot to go outside for two whole days. Didn’t talk to anyone but my husband and my cat (I work from home so it’s really important I talk to people regularly or my social anxiety grows like a vine around my brain). I struggle with the balancing act of it. How do I get things done and still do the things I need to do to stay well? What is the routine or schedule that is going to allow for all of this?
Something you read a lot while reading about creating routines for neurodivergent folk is that we need to work with our brains, not against them. Even as I have been thinking about writing this piece for weeks, I haven’t known what I could say on that. Maybe there is something out there that will work with me? Maybe I need to search harder? Be more committed?
It wasn’t until this morning that it struck me, hot and fast. Working with my brain might mean not having a routine at all. Maybe I need to accept that this brain and this body are unpredictable. They feel different every day. They need different things every day. I cannot consistently write in the morning or go for a walk as soon as I get up, but what about after work? Or during my lunch break?
What if instead I made of list of things I need to do every day? Things that make me feel good physically, emotionally, spiritually like, getting fresh air, moving my body, reading, connecting with someone. What if it doesn’t have to be schedule? What if I can just try to meet my basic needs every day in whatever way that works on that day?
If I let go of the insatiable need for routine, will I also let go of the shame and guilt I feel about failing to have one? Will that help me work better?
Maybe I need to follow that urgent surge of my creativity even though it is messy and unstable and electric. Maybe that’s just how my brain works. Maybe, finally, I can lay down my weapons and let it be.