my body image toolbox

actual practical tools to actually practically help

I do not like how my body looks most of time, and that is okay. Actually, accepting that I don’t like how I look has enabled me to make more progress on my negative body image than ever before.

In the past, when I have aimed for body positivity, it has felt impossible. And because it felt impossible, it felt pointless to try. It was easier to give in to my black-and-white thinking and believe if I couldn’t love myself then that was that.

Accepting how I feel about my body, in all its complexity, has allowed me the space to think with more nuance. And with that nuance comes the ability to challenge and progress.

To make any kind of progress, we need to be constantly challenging our beliefs. This is not a destination we reach but a practice we engage in. Here are a few of the things from my toolbox. Maybe some of them will be helpful for you.

In-the-moment tools:

1. Remember nobody cares. When you go out, how much do you focus on how other people look and judge them negatively? Compare that with how often you worry about how you look. Everyone else is doing the same.

2. The time will pass anyway. Whether you like how you look or not, the time will pass. You can dislike how you look from your couch in front of the TV or you can dislike how you look while at the party with your friends. You get to choose.

3. Be realistic. How likely is it that you will look in the mirror and love what you see? Maybe you are setting yourself up for disappointment. What if the standard wasn’t love? What is a new standard you can set that is more achievable?

4. Seperate yourself and your body. Personify her. Poet Blythe Baird says “if my body could speak, would she forgive me?” It is easier to be kind to our bodies if we think of it as its own being. We can ask, “what did my poor, loyal body do to deserve such violence?”

5. Don’t worry about photos. If, at the night, you don’t have any photos that you like, it doesn’t take away from the night you had. Avoid focussing on getting the perfect pics and stay in the moment. It’s okay not to have photos of everything. It’s okay if you don’t get to post on social media. Take the pressure off and you might feel better. Your life happens outside of your phone anyway.

6. Can you dislike how you look and still have a good time? Have you done it before? Your thoughts are not orders. You do not have to stay home because you are worried about how you look and how others will see you.

7. What is your purpose? Are you going out to celebrate someone or something important? Do you have plans for the day? Things you need to do? You can do those things regardless of how you look.

8. Make it political. Who profits over the dissatisfaction you have with your body? What larger systems are at play here? How can you challenge them, even just for yourself?

9. Think of your younger self. What does she need to hear? What would you be comfortable actually saying to her face?

10. Think of a friend. What would you say to a friend who felt the same? What would your friend say to you?

11. Zoom out. What are you unintentionally saying about people who look like you? Who are bigger than you? Who have smaller this or larger that? I know body image is deeply personal and is not something that affects how we see other people *and also* when someone comments about how much they dislike something about themselves, the people around them are listening.

12. How much does appearance factor in to your love for someone? Why do you love your family and friends? Does it have anything to do with how they look or how much they weigh?

13. What actually matters at the end of the day? What are you going to be thinking about on your deathbed? Read this quote from Laurie Halse Anderson: “I am angry that I starved my brain and that I sat shivering in my bed at night instead of dancing or reading poetry or eating ice cream or kissing a boy or maybe a girl with gentle lips and strong hands.”

Longer term tools (these need to be practised often or require some kind of planning):

1. Limit social media. Iyanla Vanzant said “comparison is an act of violence against the self”, and it is almost impossible not to compare when we are spending a lot of time looking at people’s curated, “highlight reel” social media pages.

2. Challenge what you see online. Educate yourself on the extent to which pictures and videos can be edited. There are more people than you think who are editing their content. There are more people than you think who have had cosmetic procedures done. Often people will lie about it. Consider what could have been altered in what you are seeing.

3. Practice body neutrality. Your body is just a vessel. What does your body allow you to do that you are grateful for? What else about you is more important than how you look?

4. Don’t procrastinate. If you have an event or special occasion coming up, plan ahead. If there is an outfit that you think you will wear, try it on in advance. Maybe your body has changed since you last wore it and it fits differently now. That’s okay. Give yourself time to make a new plan. This is especially important if you are aware that the outfit might fit differently. The longer you procrastinate trying it on the more anxious you will get.

5. Wear comfortable clothes. It’s very hard to not focus on your body when you’re painfully aware of it. If you feel like you have to suck in, stand a certain way or wear restrictive shapewear, you will struggle to feel relaxed in the environment. You’ll be more anxious as a result.

6. Tell people around you what will be helpful. When you are particularly distressed, what do you need? Compliments? Reassurance? Body neutral affirmations?

7. Look at your younger self. Put a photo of you as a child on your mirror. Look at her every time you look at yourself. What does she need to hear?

8. Challenge internalised fatphobia. We are raised in a world that tells us fat is the worst thing you can be. Unpick that. Why would being fat be so terrible? What would it mean about you?

9. Prepare for the worst case scenario. Part of accepting how you feel about your body is accepting that you may feel terrible. But this is great! Because it means you can plan for that possibility.

   Recently I went to a party and felt incredibly anxious about how I looked. I ended up feeling quite panicked, and I wasn’t able to engage in conversation or even tolerate the fact that people could see me. And then I put a jersey on. Did it ruin the outfit? Yes. Did it make the night more enjoyable and make it possible for me to connect with people without stressing about how I looked? Yes.

Your body is the least interesting thing about you. Go and kiss a photo of you as a child. You deserve it.