i’m a picky eater and my therapist said it’s fine
on childhood eating habits, anorexia + coming home to my body
I was a very picky eater as a child. I had a long list of foods I didn’t like and therefore couldn’t eat. I didn’t like trying new foods and if I decided I didn’t like something—sometimes even without trying it—that was it.
This must have be endlessly frustrating for my family. To be honest, I don’t even want to ask them about it. But for me, I remember it so physically. If I didn’t like something, my appetite would vanish. I couldn’t push through disliking something; it felt like a switch would flip in my head. If I didn’t like it, my body would stop cooperating. I would chew for several minutes, unable to swallow.
Like a lot of children, the foods I couldn’t eat included quite a few vegetables but also a lot of other foods—even plain ones (for example, rice, cheese, most meats).
I remember if I didn’t feel excited for or really interested in my school lunch, I just wouldn’t eat it. I wasn’t going hungry; it just didn’t interest me. I think I must’ve been in intermediate when my parents found a bag of old sandwiches and fruit from weeks of skipped lunches in my wardrobe.
Now, I’m aware this sounds like I am ⚠️Engaging In Behaviours⚠️ and obviously yeah, I was a little freak. But they weren’t anorexic behaviours.
(It actually sounds a lot like the criteria for avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) which is an eating disorder characterised by restricted food intake. This restriction can be for a number of reasons—sensitivity to taste, texture and smell of food; fear of choking, vomiting or pain; severely selective eating; avoiding certain foods or food groups; or just a general disinterest in food—but is not as a means to control weight or body image. It’s more common in neurodivergent folks with anxiety, OCD, ADHD or autism so I guess we could've seen that coming given that I have three of those. More information on ARFID here!)
But I digress!!! My point is that it wasn’t anorexia causing me to hide sandwiches in my wardrobe………………………… yet. I suppose all of this provided fertile grounds for what was to come.
*insert anorexia*
As I got older, I think my diet did expand (in terms of food variety, although I also became a vegetarian) but then also shrunk a fair bit too (in terms of volume of food).
Even though I was diagnosed with anorexia at 17, I had been unwell for years before that. It got pretty messy and I was still a pretty picker eater regardless.
Obviously anorexia rewrote everything and in all the ways you’d expect. But it also made me anxious to eat in public or with people I wasn’t close with, which cut out trying new foods at restaurants or other people’s houses (where I might have previously been pushed slightly out of my comfort zone) and it made me very hesitant to try new foods. Especially if it wasn’t something with an easily deciphered calorie count. Add to that the gastrointestinal issues an eating disorder can cause. Food became an enemy.
When I went into residential and day treatment, I was allowed to choose three food dislikes. They had to be something that existed before the eating disorder. Okay, but what if you were low key insane and only liked three things? Too bad. And what if you tried something new and didn’t like it? Too bad, have a Fortisip. Okay, but what if the Fortisip was foul? Too bad, sign a non-compliance agreement. Sign too many of them and you’re off to the hospital for a tube.
For better or worse, by force, my diet expanded again. And despite the ups and downs of the next few years—which I am loath to relive right now—I eventually reached a point where my diet was the biggest it had ever been. Away from home, I cooked a lot and tried new recipes and I felt excited to do so.
*insert copious medications at high doses*
After weight restoration, I spent years on increasingly high doses of anti-depressants and antipsychotics. They didn’t work for my mood or anxiety AND they turned the appetite dial all the way up. Especially on the antipsychotics, I felt insatiable.
Even when my appetite settled, I didn’t notice what else it had taken from me until I lowered my dose significantly late last year—so I could try something new. It wasn’t until a few months of a lower dose that I noticed something so foreign to me after almost a decade of anorexia and over-medication: hunger cues.
My body suddenly had a voice and used it. And I listened. It felt unbelievably natural and easy to say, no I don’t want to eat that. I am full. I couldn’t believe it. Is this what other people had all the time? I didn’t know this was a thing at all!!! I guess I have struggled with food in some way my whole life and to settle into something that felt right(????) was genuinely shocking.
🎶 Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s an ED 🎶
I am having my meds adjusted a lot but am feeling very good about my current combination of potions. These seem to be the most helpful meds I have ever been on. And despite the welcome addition of hunger and fullness cues, I noticed that my diet seemed to be shrinking again. I have felt the same physical response to texture and taste I don’t like. I use to hate mushrooms. Then I ate them and it was fine. And now? I hate them again.
I felt embarrassed of this. I felt childish and anxious. I don’t want to waste food and I don’t want to become severely limited in the foods I enjoy. I don’t want people to think I’m weird or high maintenance (though I am both).
I raised this with my therapist and thought we would maybe make a plan to keep expanding or challenging my diet. But instead she said something different. She told me she almost wanted me to follow this.
My body has been suppressed, ignored and abused for so long and now it is speaking again. Maybe I should just…………………………………… listen???
What will my body do when she knows I trust her? Maybe I can let go and see what happens when I trust my gut, literally.
Obviously this is all complicated by how I feel about my weight and body image and what my mood and anxiety and physical health is doing and blah blah blah, but I am ignoring that for the moment.
I have always been a picky eater. Maybe this is my natural, default state. Maybe I was born with it. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe I am coming home to my body finally.