i promise i am writing a book

reframing, getting out of my own way + allowing negative thoughts

Okay, so. At age 19, I wrote a novel in about seven months and it wasn’t terrible. It actually got published. At age 20, I wrote an even better novel in the same amount of time. I have tangible evidence that I can write books. That it is not insurmountable. But after my degree, after no longer having that intentional, dedicated time just to write, it felt almost impossible.

For probably about three years, I have been telling people I have been working on a collection of personal essays. This is not a lie, especially when you consider that “working on” can encompass thinking about, talking about, procrastinating over, reading books about… But it also wasn’t a full truth in the way I wanted it to be.

I have written a few essays over this time, with the aim to eventually include them in a collection, but I wrote them when inspiration struck me. They came to me organically and we went from there. And that rarely happens.

Following my group therapy programme, I have been thinking a lot about values and how we have to build our lives to align with them. But more than that, I’ve been thinking about how wrong we are when we think humans automatically do the things we want to do. That if I want to write this collection and it aligns with my values of creativity and personal growth and I value working on it then I will just find myself working on it. Have we not all procrastinated something we actually wanted to do? I procrastinate going to bed every night even though I am ALWAYS tired.

I have let myself believe that I cannot write a book without the external structure and support of a writing programme, forgetting that my book was never written in the presence of the class. It was written at libraries around the city, in bed, on the train, at my desk. I made myself sit down and write it when I was home alone, without external validation or support.

I know every writer (and every artist and also every person) has negative thoughts about their work, especially before they have fully started it. As I have developed a clearer plan for this collection, I have realised how important it is to me. How much value it has to me. Which has made it harder to work on. Boring and typical: I am scared it will not be good enough, that I won’t be able to answer the questions I have, that I will let the people I am writing about down, that it will be too hard for me emotionally.

And of course, these thoughts come!!! Why wouldn’t they? Every artist ever has these exact thoughts. Why have I let that stop me? Because I wasn’t prepared?

Something we talked about in group therapy, when trying to make a plan based around living by our values, was preparing for these thoughts.

When thinking about your goal and the values it aligns with, what thoughts, feelings, sensations or urges are you willing to have in order to achieve these goals?

This blew my mind a little bit. I had never thought of it like that: as something I could prepare for and allow because I want to achieve this goal, regardless. Not soemthing to fight against but something to accept. Preparing yourself for these thoughts (I have literally written them down multiple times) means that when they come, it is easier to be like, oh hey there you are. I knew you would show up.

Also it can be helpful to, after thinking of the question above, write down what we would like to remind ourselves when we have those thoughts. As a simple (but effective!!!) plan of action.

So I am going to go and write now. And when my negative thoughts come, I will say, hey come on in. I have been waiting for you. And then I will keep writing.

Thanks for being here. See you next week.